The Power of Validation

Everyone loses emotional control. When people around us lose control they might raise their voice, yell, cry, or vent.  Often our natural response to them is to tell them things that are not helpful to them or us.

Whether the person is an individual with disabilities, our partner, our child, or our fellow staff member, validation is often the most effective way to reach them and help them to calm.

Let's say someone is angry and yelling because they wanted more dinner to eat but it is all gone. As their support staff who have just helped them make this delicious meal, you become frustrated and say something unhelpful such as, "You had enough to eat. No one else is complaining. Be happy with what you got. "

But let's imagine that you take a deep breath and then sincerely validate them. "You must be so disappointed that there is no more dinner. I am sad and wish there were more, too."

You are not judging them for how they feel. You are not approving of the behavior that accompanies the emotion. What you are doing is making a connection and making them feel heard.  Instead of telling them that they should be more grateful for having a nice meal, if you validate them, they realize that another human feels similarly and perhaps it eases their emotional distress a bit.

How To Validate:

1. Don't let yourself be negatively effected by an emotional outburst. Tell yourself to remain calm.  (Best not to do this aloud).

2. Think about how you might feel in the same situation if you were them. Trust that what they are feeling is true for them.

3. Label their emotion for them. "It must be so frustrating to ________." Or: " I can see you are really angry about this."

4. Make a connection with them by including how you might feel in the same situation. " I would feel frustrated, too."

5.  Help them to problem-solve: "What do you think you can you do to feel better?"

Event: Staff complains that they have to work a double shift when they wanted to go out with friends.
What they say: " I am always stuck doing doubles on the weekend."
What you want to say: "Stop complaining. At least you get to make extra money."
Validate instead: "You must be so disappointed you can't go out this weekend. I'd be bummed. Did you make any plans for the next weekend?"

Event: Spouse comes home complaining about their boss.
What they say: "I hate my job and no one can possibly understand the stress I am under."
What you want to say: "Well maybe your boss doesn't really mean to make your life miserable. Maybe you misunderstood her."
Validate instead: "You work so hard and it must make you so angry to be treated like that." I don't know if I would handle it as well as you do day after day. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?"

Event: A favorite recreation activity has been cancelled for a person who lives in a group home.
What they say: " I hate you all. The rec outings are always cancelled."
What you want to say: "You always get to go out. This is no big deal. Stop over-reacting."
Validate instead: "I can see you are angry." I was hoping to get out, too. I love going bowling with you and I'm really upset. Do you think we can find something else fun to do tonight?"
 
Like other skills, validation takes practice. Practice it until it becomes a routine response for helping people through difficult, emotional moments. Use it with the sincerity of really wanting to be helpful to another person.