The Hope For a Happy Life

It is so simple. All we parents want for our adult children is for them to be happy. We think we know what will make our children happy - career, success, money, home, car, friends, marriage, kids. When we have children with disabilities, we learn to change our goals because our children may not enter the typical success pathway. Or maybe we come to realize that it's not our goal to begin with. Can we let go of our goals for our children, whether disabled or not, and let them be whatever makes them happy? Can we stop feeling guilty about who we thought our children would be and let them just be? All I want for S is that she live a happy life based on her own goals. I went through some grieving when I realized she would not be living the life I had hoped for her. And then I let go.

Existential Crisis ?

S is now 35 years old. She's been living in her group home geared toward adults with various developmental disabilities for about 4 years now. Everything has been great up until just recently and now S would prefer to spend her life in bed. Everyone is sad for her and her support team is trying to figure out why she is trapped in this malaise. Rather than looking at the easiest, simplest answer, I tend to make things complex. One of my first thoughts is to wonder if S is leading a fulfilling, meaningful life. Can a person with an intellectual disability have an existential crisis? Well, I think so. I know there is a common misconception that people with intellectual disabilities are eternal children, eternally happy, but they are human beings with the same human needs for belonging, productivity, and meaningful activities as the rest of us. When we want to figure out why S wants to spend sometimes 24 hours straight in bed, not eating, not taking care of basic needs, there could be a number of things going on. She could be physically ill, depressed, anxious, bored, overwhelmed, tired or mentally preoccupied and she has not been able to tell any of us why she won't get out of bed.  We are all trying to support S to live a great life but it is on our terms, thinking we know what is best for her. Maybe she is starting to understand that she is not going to have an intimate relationship with another, that she is not going to be a mother. Maybe she sees that she is not going to own her own home, get married, go to college, drive a car. She did have those dreams years ago and other things to look forward to.  If all of the rest of us have the ability and right to design a life that is meaningful, how do we help S and others like her to do the same? Will that be enough to get her out of bed?