No No's

Can you imagine what it would be like if you had to ask for most of things you want and most of the time you were told 'no'? Or that you were told 'no' throughout the day because you were being corrected for your actions on a regular basis? As staff or parents supporting others with disabilities, we try to find clever, positive ways to not say 'no' even when we have to. But they are still smart enough to know we are saying 'no' and smart enough to know that we are trying to positively direct them toward another choice - our choice, not theirs.

"Can I stay home from work today?" Why don't you plan a day off next week?
"Can I have some candy when we go to the store?" Didn't you say you wanted to lose some weight?
"Can I wear shorts today?" Let's check the weather report because I think it might be too cold today.


One difference between my life and that of a person with intellectual disabilities is that I can get what I want or need without asking anybody. And that means that most of the time,  no one tells me 'no'. I can stay home from work occasionally, I can buy candy when I want, and I can wear shorts even if is cool out.

I am not saying that we shouldn't be guiding others toward healthier, better choices if they are unable to make good choices. I am just trying to imagine how I would feel if people around me were regularly correcting me, guiding me, teaching me, and telling me 'no'.

So for S's 30th birthday yesterday, I tried to not guide, suggest, teach, or say 'no' to her. When she woke up, she got to do whatever she wanted all day long with no censoring from me. We have done this for years on her birthday. This is what we did yesterday:

She woke up and said she wanted to put her friend who uses a wheelchair on his van so he could go to work. She loves wheelchair vans. She also gets a high-five from the nice man who drives the van. We drove 44 miles round trip to do that. Then she wanted to go to McDonald's to get an egg, sausage, cheese bagel sandwich. Next she wanted to go to the Strong Museum of Play. The activities there are really meant for kids but we go anyway. I followed her around and let her initiate everything without censoring, or reminding her that she is an adult, or suggesting other activities she might be missing. I never realized how much I hustle her around places. As I watched her looking at the exhibits, she really spent a lot of time carefully looking at details and commenting. She also spent a lot of time watching other people. She spoke more, too, because I wasn't doing all the blabbing and suggesting. Next we met the grandma's for lunch at Olive Garden. She brought her stuffed floppy dog in the restaurant (the one I tell her to keep in the car when we are out). She asked for her drink in a kid cup and ordered off the kids' menu. She wanted to go home and take a nap. When she got up, I waited for her to tell me what she wanted to do next. She wanted to go to the mall to buy a movie and then wanted to go home to order Domino's pizza with pepperoni. We sang to her over her chosen Spiderman cake. This made her agitated and she put her hands over her ears and left the room. She came back when we stopped singing. She opened her gifts and walked away again. She still doesn't understand the social expectations regarding gifts - smile, looked interested, say thank you. Then she decompressed in her bedroom while watching YouTube, playing a computer game, and watching Roseanne on dvd.

Not your typical birthday, I suppose. I just wanted her to have one day where no one tells her what to do, no one tells her 'no', we trust her choice-making, we don't try to teach her something, and we accept her and her choices. These are things I get in my life everyday (and take for granted).