One Step Back

The other day, two ladies who live at one of the group homes got into an argument. They were crowded in the kitchen, both in wheelchairs, both trying to move in the same direction to get their coffee and snack. They were hungry and collided in their efforts to get their goodies. One raised her fist and yelled; the other yelled and then cried. Three staffers, who were very close by, swooped in quickly to help them. That's what we are supposed to do. But what if we took a step back, first, to see if they could work it out among themselves? What if we gave them the dignity to argue it out rather than to so quickly solve it for them?

We so love to care for people. Actually, that's mostly why we staff do what we do for a living. We want to help. And it is so hard for us to realize that the best way to help is to step back and let them live their lives.

When the doorbell to their home rings, we need to step back, or at least not go forward. They should answer their own door. If they are unsafe because of the potential for a stranger to take advantage, we can go along with them, but a step back. Let them say hello; let them interact with the person at the door.

When you are at the fast food counter, take a step back so the cashier will interact with them and not primarily you, the staffer. Let them do as much of the transaction as they can - ideally, the whole thing. If they don't know how yet, start teaching them.


Every time we immediately help them with the things they need to experience and even struggle with, we create dependence when our main objective should be to foster independence. Every time we take over in their life, we take an opportunity away - the opportunity to grow, to learn, to connect, to experience, to have power over their own life.

The downside to our stepping back is that, while it has the potential to be rewarding since the person will surely grow, it will make our jobs a little boring. When you step back, you are being calm, quiet, unassuming, observant. If you like action and busyness, this can be hard. But you need to do it, anyway. It's time for them to have the action in their lives.