Only Connect

As in Howards End by E.M. Forster, we must connect with others in order to really understand and be of any help to them. In the book, the lack of connection with self and others creates division and apathy regarding class and gender. In our work with people with intellectual disabilities, the lack of connection between us (staff and individual, staff and staff, supervisor and staff) creates misunderstandings and ineffectiveness.

We tend to take a clinical and scientific approach to helping people with disabilities when what is really needed is a relationship.  When the individual truly likes and trusts the staff and the staff in turn truly likes the individual they are supporting, the individual is motivated to learn, grow, communicate, and collaborate.

A man with profound intellectual disability at one of the group homes historically has had an extremely difficult time with medical procedures of any kind. Many times, depending on his mood, we can't bring him into the doctor's office and the doctor will come out to the vehicle. If we do bring him into the office, he might yell loudly the whole time, rummaging through the cupboards, restlessly pacing, then having us hold him down to complete the exam or procedure. Sometimes we give him a sedative before the procedure, which mostly does not prove effective. When he gets his toenails cut, the podiatrist comes to his house and we have to place him in a hold called three-person supine control until his nails are cut. We have tried many behavioral techniques and desensitization plans to help him to not have so much anxiety on appointments, mostly ineffective.

Over the past couple years, he has established a close relationship with a particular staffer. In between the tasks of daily living and chores, they also do many fun things together and the staffer goes out of his way to spend time with this fellow, not demanding anything of him except that they hang out, laugh, watch television together, play basketball. The staffer has worked with him several times a week, filing all his nails. We don't have to hold him down in these cases. He just sits on a chair with his feet up, no anxiety, smile on his face as the trusted staffer files and cuts his nails.

To connect, we have to go out of our way to really get to know the people we work with and for. When it seems like all the work is done at the group home or day program, that's another opportunity to find someone to make a connection with. Making connections is also the primary reason we provide opportunities to spend time in the community. We hope that the individuals will establish relationships with people not paid to be with them. We hope that they will find that they are important to someone and that someone benefits from their company.

Herb Lovett wrote, "Real behavior change comes from a relationship; the more serious the need for change, the more serious this relationship needs to be."