Just Say Yes

This is going to be a post (of probably many posts to come) about controlling others. Ideally, I think we should do everything we can to try not to control others. Even moreso if we are in any position of authority over others. Many people working with individuals with cognitive disabilities are in positions of power over them as part of that role. We should have great respect for this and be careful not to take advantage, even if unknowingly.  I don't understand why we want to control anybody but ourselves. Is it that we enjoy having power over others?

One way of lessening our grip would be to try to say yes a little more. Sometimes that is not possible as it might compromise health or safety. And sometimes it's not possible to say yes because people find great security in reasonable limits. One of my friends, N, told me that if you say yes to as many small things as you can, there will be a sense of trust built between you. Then when the time comes that you do have to say no to a bigger event, it might not involve a power struggle.

Every time an individual asks for something, the first thing you should be thinking is: "Can I say yes?"

If you can't say yes, find alternatives to saying no.

You could:

Find a compromise.

Offer other choices.
Someone wants another piece of bread at dinner. You, the staff person, have been told that she is significantly overweight and her doctor wants her to be on a calorie-restricted diet, and she has agreed to eat less bread. First, if you say no, she will yell, pound the table, and may hit you. You could say yes, but she has agreed to her diet and wants to lose weight. Instead of saying no, you could say, "How about more carrots or salad?"

Work with them to have them come up with a solution.
Someone asks to go to the store to make a personal purchase but has already gone out earlier in the day and now it is someone else's turn to go out. You could ask them to figure out a solution to make everyone happy. Maybe they could both go. Maybe they can set up another time for the next day. Maybe they could schedule regular, predictable shopping events.

Give them recognition for what they are asking for. 
Someone, when asked what they want to do in their future, says they want to be a police officer. This is where you could give them recognition for their desire. You are not saying yes or no at this point. You just start discussing and asking them questions about what they want. "Well, if you become a police officer, what are you going to do?" "Do you want to help children or animals or adults?" "What color uniform would you want?" You are showing an interest in what they are interested in without discouraging their dream.

Validate their desire before explaining why you have to say no.
Let's say someone was dismissed from their paid job because of their behavior and now they would like to return but the supervisor says it's not a possibility. The fact is, you can't always get what you want. (Astute observation from the Rolling Stones.) In this case, you could validate the person by saying something like, "It must be disappointing to have lost your job and not be able to get it back. It would be hard on me, too." Then you could guide them toward the future and what they have to do to get a new job.

Or, if all else fails, find a more creative way to say no.

More scenarios:

Someone wants to buy a diet soda with her own money when she goes grocery shopping tonight. That's an easy one - just say yes.

Someone asks if they can help make dinner with you. That's a trick question because they should already be making dinner, with you supporting them only as needed. So, if that isn't already happening, you would just say yes.

Someone tries to take something that does not belong to them, or steal an item. Another trick question. Sometimes you do have to say no. This is not about controlling someone else but instead is about doing the individual the favor of telling them what society's expectations are. If they are infringing on another's rights or hurting someone else or hurting themselves, you can and should tell them no. This is only helpful to them and will assist them in navigating the world more successfully.

We have been controlling others for so long, it often is sad to even hear them ask for something that they should simply be notifying us about. Instead of asking staff, "Can I stay up late to finish watching this movie?" They should either stay up and finish their movie or let us know that they are enjoying their movie and plan on staying up a little later than normal. Instead of asking for peanut butter and jelly in their lunch, they should either automatically know they can make it themselves or they should let us know that's what they want.

What have we done over the years when working with others, that people with intellectual disabilities keep asking for things the rest of us are easily entitled to?