This week, there was the sweetest, kindest staff member who disagreed with a plan we have for someone to support them with limit-setting. She wanted the man (with moderate cognitive disability and also a mental illness diagnosis) to have what he wanted to make him happy. This is certainly a good way to be thinking and sounds easy and right on the surface.
Years ago, I was just like this staff member and learned the hard way that limits make people happier and give them a sense of security and self-control. The trick is to work with them to set or agree to the limits rather than just imposing what we think best.
I work with many individuals who want to have the things they want to excess. I have made my own mistakes when I have tried to give some of them exactly what they wanted. An example is a woman who asked for several cups of coffee each day. Her plan was to help her portion out her cups of coffee per a rigid, timed schedule, amounting to a cup of coffee about every two hours. In between her coffee times, she would ask for more coffee, sometimes yelling, and we were supposed to remind her that her next cup would be coming soon and then try to interest her in another activity until it was time. So I thought that maybe she wouldn't get so upset in between times if she could have coffee when she wanted. (It's decafe.) I also thought that if she could have it whenever she wanted, she would ultimately relax and not be so fixated on wanting it since she would have full control over the coffee in her life. That she would understand through having the opportunity, that there is such a thing as "enough." It ends up, of course, that I was absolutely wrong. Again. Refer to My Own Mistakes.
What happened is that initially she was SO happy to have all the coffee she wanted. She made a thermos of it and could have it whenever she wanted. When she ran out, she asked for help to make more. Over a very short time, though, she grew very anxious and agitated. No, not because of caffeine, since it was decafe. She was upset because she was now officially out of control. She lived for coffee, now, and only wanted more and more. She became aggressive and on-edge. There was never enough coffee. What ultimately provided a sense of relief for her? Going back to the original, reliable schedule. I've seen this happen over and over again. It might involve glasses of milk, candy, peanut butter, diet soda, shopping, clothes, dvd's, pencils, dolls. Depends on the person.
My own Achille's heel is super-sweet fruity candies - Mike-n-Ike's, Skittles, sour gummies, Swedish fish, and jelly beans. I'm old enough to know what these will do to me and to set my own limits. Nevertheless, if I buy them or they are around, I'll eat them. Then I will lose control and only stop eating them when they are either gone, I have a stomach ache, or I have proceeded into a sugar coma. The next day, I wake with a hangover. I am able to rationally set some limits for myself - I try very hard not to buy them or I wait until dark to eat them. Without my limits, I would be sick, cavity-prone, and overweight because I would eat them to the exclusion of everything else and do it all day long. The limits I set for candy and other things in my life me happier and more productive in the long run.
So while that well-meaning, kind staffer has the right idea in theory regarding dignified, positive approaches when working with people with intellectual disabilities, being nice is not always good. The truly kinder approach is to help someone to set healthy limits for themselves. Giving someone everything they ask for doesn't necessarily make them happy.
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