Compassion Toward The Rage Inside

Over the years I have known a few people who do a lot of yelling. Screaming, really. When you do your best to support someone positively and they nevertheless scream at you, it is hard not to take it personally.

During a staff meeting this week, we had a discussion to figure out how to support staff as they work with a man who is yelling, swearing, and calling staff names. (We already have numerous strategies in place to help N).

As with any behavior, the first tactic is to figure out why it is occurring so you can better help the person and possibly reduce the behavior. So we did a quick analysis of his behavior. It could be that N wants to escape us and be left alone. It could be underlying pain or a medical condition. It could be that we are annoying to him. It could be that he likes that he gets our attention when he yells. All of those reasons do fit and we are addressing his needs but this knowledge is not necessarily helpful in regards to coping strategies for us.

What we ultimately came to, though, is that N, and some others who live in group homes, nursing homes, hospitals, and institutions, are likely experiencing deep, emotional pain and are trying to get us to listen.

This is very hard on us as we try to compassionately work with people and in response, they may lash out at us verbally or physically. But to put ourselves in their shoes and realize that anyone screaming at us that loudly must be in significant emotional pain of some manner, does seem to help us to not take it personally and to carry on with our important work without being affected ourselves. 

This reframing of the situation involves changing your perspective in some manner. One way to reframe is to determine some of the deeper emotional reasons N may be yelling. He is experiencing the profound loss of his best friend in the whole world. He has experienced abuse in his past and he may be raging about the unfairness of that. He is feeling his own limits of mortality as he ages. He watches many of his aging friends go in and out of hospitals, wondering if they are coming back home. And in calm moment when we ask him why he yells at us so angrily, he says he just doesn't know and always sincerely apologizes.

We all care very much for N. He is charming and good. That is some consolation in those difficult moments. While we are supporting him through these tough times, we should be supporting ourselves and each other as well. Our work and peace of mind will suffer if we can't find a way to manage our own emotions when we work with others who are going through a difficult time.