Good Job!

You probably think I am going to discuss the merits of praise. On the surface, it seems like a positive approach. If you praise someone for doing something good or accomplishing a task, they are likely to feel good and do this good thing again.

I hear the words, "Good job!" almost daily. Even though this occurs in positive environments, I still cringe a little when I hear them. Here's what it looks like: A staffer asks the individual to clean their room and when they check on their progress, they tell them, "Good job!" This is good, right?

I have an illustration as to why we should rethink this.

One day I was out shopping with a friend. The cashier who checked us out was sight-impaired. He used a scanner that told him the price of the item and another scanner that told him the denomination of the money we gave him. After he was done feeling for the tags in our clothes, the cash register told him how much we owed for purchase. He felt for our money and then felt through the cash drawer to get our change. When he was done with my transaction, I told him, "Thank you" as I do with every transaction with a cashier. When my friend's transaction was done, she told him, "Good job!" The cashier's face showed a hint of humiliation and he stopped talking to us. I was embarrassed for him.

So what happened?

The man who is blind but completely capable was just doing his daily job and nothing more. My well-intentioned and generally positive friend thought she was being nice in complimenting him on how well he does his job. But what really occurred was a moment of pity, condescension, and inequality. If we would not tell the cashier at the grocery store or fast food joint who seemingly has no disability, "Good job!" then we shouldn't say it to the person with the disability.

The sentiment under that "good job!" is: "Wow, that is so amazing you can do that trifling thing despite your disability."

So how do we proceed to praise people for their efforts and accomplishments without being condescending?

1. Don't tell them they did a good job for something they are proficient at that they do everyday. If they brought their plate to the sink from the dinner table, tell how them you appreciate what they did. If you don't tell your dad "good job" for clearing the dinner plates, don't say it to people with intellectual disabilities, either.

2. Find creative ways to show that you noticed their accomplishment. They might really have done a good job. So tell them exactly what they did that was good. This takes the form of feedback for how they are doing rather than a fairly meaningless, "Good job!"

3. Thank them instead.

4. Be sensitive to how people like to be praised and noticed for their efforts. Some people like big praise, some like understated, some like it in private, some like everyone to know and join in. It's not positive or a reward if they didn't like how the praise was given.

5. If you still must use the words, "good job," at least accompany them with why it was a good job and what they specifically did that was so good.

6. Think in terms of recognition and appreciation. Most people do like to be noticed for what they are doing exceptionally well.