Letting Go

Humans seem to like to have a sense of control. We like things (and others) organized, orderly, and predictable. Having self-control is a very good thing. If we can control our emotions, our actions, our thoughts, and our lives in the manner that we want, we will be happier and more successful (in whatever success is for us). I don't think wanting to have control over another human being is such a good idea, though.  Much as we might want to control another's actions or decisions, it seems best to try to let go. It has been my experience that if you try to control someone else, they will either rebel or give in. Neither is a good option. Rebelling sets up divisiveness and power struggles. Giving in might mean they give up as in learned helplessness.

The thing is, most people don't think they are trying to control others. We are in denial on that point. When working with people with intellectual disabilities, many of us think that we know what is best for someone else. We have to let go of the idea that we know what is best for another. A person (disability or not) can determine what is best for them. It is their life and only they can know what is best for them, even if it differs from what the majority thinks.

Letting go means letting go of the outcome. No matter what happens, it was their decision. If they wanted to wear shorts after seeing on the news that is was going to be cold out, let them do it. The only way someone can make an informed choice is to be given the opportunity to make a mistake and learn from it. If you are worried that they will be cold and uncomfortable that day, pack them a pair of long pants to bring with them. Or have them go outside to test the temperature for themselves to see if they still want to wear shorts.

People want the opportunity to make mistakes. There is great dignity in it. This doesn't mean we can't motivate, teach, model or suggest. Start by letting go just a little.

Health and safety do matter, though. If a person is truly at risk for serious injury or long-term health concerns, we do have to support them to be safe (in as non-controlling a manner as possible). The way to let go in the cases where there are safety risks is to include them in the process. We could ask them how they would like us to support them.